Bisexual Erasure Pt. 3: I Don't Feel Queer Enough

today I'm gonna have emotions Wow today I want to talk about something that I've only ever felt comfortable bringing up to a couple of people so congratulations on being my new best friends I want to talk about feeling like I am not enough or not good enough for

the queer community so last night I went out with a couple of friends to an establishment that caters towards gay men and new acquaintances came up to me and was like so what are you straight girls think of a place like this and I was really taken aback

because like that's not something that I would say to a stranger I just meant like oh you're obviously gay you're obviously straight or whatnot so immediately I jumped to the defensive and what did I say I said oh no I'm gay too yay not bi and I don't

know how to explain it but I knew that in that moment my interest in men would have invalidated my interest in women because oh you're at a gay bar so you must be here for all the men in short shorts right not true I was there because it

was my friend's birthday and I wanted to have a good 10 name and the next thing he said was oh I would never have guessed you look so straight so I guess that feminine visibility is something we can talk about another day this is something I've struggled with

since I came out feeling like my interest in men invalidates my interest in women or anybody else I feel like growing up and growing into a queer identity there are rites of passage that some people go through now I can't speak to those for boys or for a

trans or gender for your people but I know that for girls there's like the first time you discover the l word or the first time you ever hear Tegan and Sara or the first time you watch but I'm a cheerleader with the exception of Tegan and Sara those

other things I've only started doing in the last year and pretty much only because my girlfriend made me but I remember hearing about them and being interested in them but thinking that I didn't have a right to be there because I still liked boys and I realized that

that exploration and confusion is part of the coming-out process but at the time I thought oh okay I still like boys so I guess this doesn't actually apply to me and I remember there being girls in middle school in high school who I thought were really pretty and

I really wanted to be friends with but I never processed those feelings romantic because I still like boys because I didn't have any of those experiences at that formative awkward preteen period I feel like I missed out on something really crucial and that I don't really fit in

with queer women communities the way somebody who has always known she was lesbian night I mean let's be real it's not unheard of to go to a queer women gathering and have an icebreaker question be so how old were you when you first saw the l word 23

there are a few things in the world that irritate me as much as when people call me a late bloomer because a we have talked about this there is no perfect time to come out you can come out when you're 12 you can come out one year 70

everybody does it at their own pace how dare you judge somebody else's process don't do that it's mean and B I could have been an early bloomer I realize now that I had baby gay crushes on people when I was younger and that I totally loved Avril Lavigne

when I was 12 and it was not just because of her music but because I still liked boys I ignored them and I didn't consider them to be part of the identity that I'm now okay with but I still think it's important to acknowledge them and I don't

want them to be a race just because they happened before I knew what they were again a lot of these things are not by specific but for me personally knowing that I still liked boys made it way harder to process any other feelings so I didn't I pretended

they weren't there in high school I feel like I talked about high school a lot but important things happened in high school even if I try to pretend I never went in high school one of my good friends and I started realizing that we were clear around the

same times we would talk about it pretty often she was pretty into openly labeling herself towards the beginning and I had a really hard time with it so she asked me flat out could you ever see yourself dating a girl and I said no probably not and she

asked why and my answer was actually really sexist I was like oh because I'm emotional and girls are emotional in this drama and I don't want to deal with it which is like and she said yeah I don't think I could either but it's because of what society

things and because I don't think I would be accepted oh yeah I probably should have said that and that was the answer that I had in my head but I was too afraid to say it and I also didn't feel like I had the right to say it

because I still liked boys in my last bye eraser video I talked about the BI versus gay thing and why I sometimes choose one word over the other and one thing that I brought up that I forgot to turn the camera on for was that multiple people have

ask me how can my don't just eight boys to make my life easier and I think it's pretty obvious what they mean about make my life easier it's about being able to blend into a heteronormative society and have a marriage be recognized in all 50 states and not

be treated as a second-class citizen and not be worried for my safety when I hold my partner's hand in public you know little unimportant things like that and people say that as if I've never thought about it before but I've been asking myself that question every day since

I was 14 the answer is that I don't really have control over that I didn't choose my orientation so I don't choose who I fall in love with I didn't choose to start loving a guy right after I came out I didn't choose to love my current girlfriend

I just do it just happens it is challenging for me to love Who I am I have to work at it every day I love that there are clear spaces I love the merica I love that there are spaces where queer women can come together I love that

there are spaces where bisexual people can come together it has been hard for me to join both of those because because why because honestly sometimes it feels like one negates the other and it shouldn't be like that and in some ways Society did it to me and in

some ways I did it to myself and that's hard to admit I am not blaming the leaders and the organizers of these spaces for any of this I think it's incredible that people donate their time and their resources to making sure that queer people have safe spaces and

I really really commend them for that I blame this mostly on my own insecurities both as a bisexual person and as a human I blame this on the struggle that I had growing up thinking that queerness had to be monosexual and not realizing that there could be more

to it than that and I don't know I don't I don't know what else there is but like I keep saying I think I'm getting better every day and a lot of it is because you guys are really supportive and helpful so thank you alright that is all

for feelings hour thank you so much for watching please subscribe like follow do all those things I'm gonna start talking about bisexuality more often because you guys seem to really like it so if you have suggestions for videos please tell me I think that's all I got so

see you next time [Music] Peters always leak that was part of my angry bisexual feelings about my foot you

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