This Ayahuasca Camp Had Their First Transgender Patient | Kentucky Ayahuasca Episode 2


[Music] we're gathered here today to release you to the universe to never come back in our lives again channel that paint channel that intensity please bring out the corpse I've been a lot of things in my life I've been a bank robber and a prisoner but being a shaman is my calling ayahuasca is a Schedule one narcotic the same as heroin and LSD but it's not a drug it's medicine and in my church it's a sacrament we can do in two days with conventional therapy they take years to do but only if you are willing to step into the pain brewing ayahuasca is art there's a lot of things that you got to know putting this brew together ayahuasca is a portal to the divine that's what DMT is that's what's in ayahuasca there's other spirits and synergies that go within our ayahuasca but the main kickoff point is DMT DMT is a Schedule one narcotic and it is the most powerful psychedelic known to man the effects are similar to LSD and the fact that it is a hallucinogen that makes shadows stand out buildings appear to weave it amplifies your surroundings we have four components to our Brut this is the acacia this acacia is harvested in an incredibly ethical way on a farm in Hawaii this one here is the recap even a lot of the components of ayahuasca comes from this town I love using Siri Andrew as well it's been used for thousands of years in ancient ceremonies dating all the way back to Persia then there's other things that I cannot reveal to you that's a shaman secret because a lot of people would try to make the brew and what they don't understand is if you don't brew it right the team can become toxic and the next thing you know people are dead so we won't let it sit there and we will let it slow cook for 24 hours and then after that we will let it chill for 24 hours and then after that we're going to cook it again and then we'll let it set again and this process will repeat be repeated over and over until the brew is perfectly correct it's been described to me as earthy rudy-woody it's been described to me as pig that's gross I call it my muddy water oh that's where mother lives in my muddy water I only bring in loving intentions into this room to intermingle with Mother eya as we're working our brew and I also bring in the intent of the people I'm brewing this brew for if I have some information about them or know what they're coming for like PTSD or child sexual abuse [Music] one of the key components I try to infuse into the brews of forgiveness and mother a it brings that to the table wholeheartedly [Music] I had a lot of bad things happened to me in childhood somebody close to me and my family caused me a lot of harm when I was little and I didn't start remembering until I was in my early 20s [Music] I forgot a lot of things because it was about my survival once I started remembering parts of my childhood abuse my whole world fell apart I'm still harboring a lot of anger and rage probably ultimately a lot of sadness to you it's my intention to try to deal with these things using ayahuasca [Music] when I was young I knew I didn't really fit in the boys but the girls weren't really welcoming for me either since I was a kid I've been trying to figure out my whole gender identity I have definitely had a lot of depression and anxiety caused by having to push my emotions down and learning a lot of unhealthy coping mechanisms it's weird wanting to be transgender but not really thinking of yourself as transgender because no one really wants to be transgender I think my number one priority coming the aiya Quest is to address my depression anxiety head-on and come out here stronger and more prepared hello how are you well good all right if you all would like to grab your waters then we will proceed downstairs y'all can come on in and find your beds we can go ahead and get those may let you all get situated changed into some comfy clothes for this ceremony we have Taylor we have Jules and we have Emily I cannot remember a time that I was not set I've diagnosed with bipolar disorder and I don't know who I am without depression it crosses my mind how much easier that it would be if I wasn't here I know the ayahuasca is pretty intense but I came here prepared to face what I need to face and I'm here and I'm ready to do it I want to thank each and every one of you for the trust you have shown us we know this is not an easy thing I remember when I poured my first cup and it was sitting in front of me and I was wondering how well I knew the guy who had sent it to me all the way from Peru so I understand the courage it takes to lay yourself on the altar of self-discovery we're not here to throw you off a cliff we're here to let you get some confidence within the medicine so you can go really deep tomorrow night now during this evening your journeys gonna come in ways like this sometimes it's gonna be down here and you're gonna say oh it's over no it ain't no but that's where most people go can I have some more and we're gonna give you some more but if in a drinking game it ain't nothing like that I've seen a 78 year old lady drink more than a 200-pound man you know it just depends on what you need and how the medicine works with your system I'm mostly afraid that I'll hold on to things and not let go and just experience well ayahuasca has to offer I fear and not being able to take care of myself during ceremony because it's a very vulnerable state to the end I'm gonna do a shot with you yeah just to let you know there's nothing out in this that I don't put my body on a weekly basis you coming and holding that cup and the butterflies that hit your stomach because you know when you tip that cutback line it's not going to be pleasant to you're along for the ride from that moment on this is part of the sacrifice the only answer is to submit ayahuasca is a hallucinogenic tea made with plants from the Amazon and it is a strongest psychedelic known to man but this isn't like LSD ayahuasca is a portal to your inner self your subconscious and through that portal you're gonna meet a goddess we call mother and when your journey first takes off you may feel euphoria until boom despite kids and the purge begins you may laugh you may cry and you may do both at the same time you may puke or but each of those purges are a physical manifestation of an emotional release that's when you truly find healing I feel like of microdose tell us success on that specifically once you get into it it's nothing like acid you can't maintain and you can't control okay yeah the best you can do is just accept and allow and flow along Jules is the first transgender person that we have worked with I'm genuinely excited to see what mother area has to offer her my hat's off to people who are transgender it's not ever easy being yourself but when you feel like you're trapped in a body that's not yours and to come out and say you know look this is not who I am but they're brave I feel a little okay it's probably just now start working through you because you're about getting close to an hour in from your first cup because I'm even feeling that little cup I did so I know it's working through I don't I describe it with the room feels less square I feel you the space has shifted yes I started to transition just over five years ago medically I started hormones two years ago my mom has strong convictions about her religious beliefs I think my transition was very hard on her emotionally she's never really gotten past that it's hard I respect my mom a lot she's sort of my hero I wanted to tell my mother that I miss her old relationship and I miss you know being a part of her life and her being a part of mine but uh I don't know how to explain to someone that believes you're like possessed by a demon that that I'm still just me I'm just not a son I'm a daughter [Music] [Music] I'm not a doctor I'm not a therapist I'm a shaman I'm part of that mortar between the bricks I'm the person who's gonna sit here and try to set you up so mother eya can do her best for you how you doing baby I'm all right I feel like I'm just laying here like this that's the best thing to do the more you can just relax and make your mind like this vast sea of nothingness the easier it'll be for everything did you kind of work its way in and just kind of suck you down the rabbit hole so to speak once I drank the first cup within about 30 ish minutes I just felt like my muscles that my body relaxed my first boyfriend when I was 13 years old multiple times the sex that we had was unconcerned xual I felt dirty and after he did all that he told me you know that nobody would ever want me again because I was dirty and I still feel that way and those feelings have lingered for years and that's something that I still really haven't been able to deal with [Music] that's what I came here for though ayahuasca as a sacred plant is a sacred journey inward it's like someone is there with you helping you in the hardest in their struggles and it doesn't matter how bad they are she will come and give you a hand or show you how to get out of the place that you are [Music] never might have another copy a little while what's that I might have another couple good deal I just did once you left out over there Taylor the first night was resistant he wanted to do his own thing you could tell the walls were still up the fortress was still locked down but this is what I also knew his house the sand was crumbling the water was melting it and the foundation was being washed away in the river of ayahuasca I just kind of slowly became more aware of my body and how it was heating up and then I started seeing things immediately there was a woman we were just like walking into the stairwell of psychedelic madness I started remembering a lot of things from my childhood that I guess we're in some fissure inside me I was terrified I think it got too overwhelming for me I'm passed out and just slipped into some kind of void [Music] [Music] we're gonna take you with us when we work with people we use all kinds of different means sometimes it's just you know as simple as setting down and talking to them I can relate to a lot of these people cuz I've been through a lot of in my life how are you gonna understand or tell somebody things that might help them if you've never been through it it's like trying to explain to a man exactly what it's like to give birth on a scale of one to ten how much pain are you it depends on the day but I mean there's not a day that goes by that I'm not sad I don't really even know my personality without my depression and it's scary to not know who you are I understand I understand and I appreciate your bravery for sharing this but understand by touching these things while mother a is just now starting to work through you it's gonna allow her to go to the core of these issues the first person that I ever dated the first sexual encounter well there was many that weren't consensual and that still bothers me how old were you 13 how long did you stay with this person so I was like 14 and a half which kind of makes it conflicting for me doesn't make sense to me ain't that I did that but you know I understand your shame I just view sex differently I just don't view it as love at all and that's gonna create for you a very shallow life at the end of the day and I think you kind of know that you gotta want something deeper in a relationship give yourself the gift of not placing things that have happened to you onto your relationships and forgive yourself because you were a child if a 13 year old little girl looked at you right now and said Emily me and my boyfriend you know we were kind of messing around and things got a little further than I wanted I said no but he did it anyway are you gonna look at her and go feel guilty that's what you're doing to yourself that's what you're doing to yourself you're holding yourself responsible you're fine sweetie don't be sorry sometimes we think we've cried all we can over things and then we find out that there's a lot more behind it and that's okay cuz that's how we let go of it we've just cried so much over my life I don't even know how there's tears left in what I can completely understand at that aha moment that's where Terry hit the nail right on the head and she did it in such a way that it made her think it made her feel mother–a is going to show her no uncertain terms that she is worthy of love that she is worthy of respect and not only is she worthy of these things she deserves them [Music] lean your head back just here I wanna warn you he has an intense burning sensation [Music] you [Music] last night I was really excited because we really laid the foundation of trust and we really laid a very strong foundation of them getting comfortable within the medicine tonight before we go into our ayahuasca journey I have a little gift from Brazil of sand anga drops these drops go into your eyes and we put these drops prior to the ceremony because this has I bow gained alkaloids that is going to increase the visions of the ayahuasca it also has a spiritual element all unto itself but combined with ayahuasca it is incredibly powerful the second night we're getting them prepared for a very intense experience we're gonna make symbols of the things that have caused them the most trouble in their life and then we're going to burn it with an effigy and that is gonna sear it into their subconscious mind while ayahuasca is taking effect of what that need was to let go we're about to do what's called negatives two gels I'm going to show you how to make symbols these symbols are gonna represent everything that you want to leave behind that came through that door and they're gonna have another purpose later tonight so gels that we will be using in pre ceremony tonight is symbology at its simplest we are gonna take sentences and we are going to remove vowels and double consonants and leave only the letters and from the letters left we're gonna make symbols going left to right I got an arm I'm gonna put this R right there this ain't puppies and kittens this is about getting rid of this this is about putting it on paper and putting it to the universe and it is gone this is all the things I want to get rid of that when I burn in my Wasco ceremony when I let go of this symbol these things are leaving into the cosmos I put my codependency because I'd like to be more independent I also put my tendency to withdrawal socially I put a lot of my shame into my schedule it's something I've struggled with for a very long time really wanting to let that go who here would like to do sin anger drops before your ayahuasca ceremony because this has I bow gained properties and it will increase your visions it's also very good for your eyes but those that want to do it I want to warn you because there is a price to pay and that is at the beginning it has an intense burning sensation why because pain creates energy within the deepest realms of our minds and when we do it we want you holding your symbol think about what you're letting go keep your eyes closed until I tell you to open them okay there's one there's two lean your head back just to hear okay blink your eyes everyone blink blink blink blink blink blink [Music] all that fear and pain went into that symbol that they were holding when that Sunanda was burning like a red-hot coal in their pupil it really brought a seriousness to the sigils to what we were about to do tonight I feel this gruta needs to be bonded with a little bit of fear dick until owie please bring out the corpse the corpse I used to bring home what we're doing we're working with life and death the corpse for us represents the old dome that is the thing that they're letting go we're gonna pin this to jail to it and then you know when we light it on fire that part of them is gone I am about to take these people on a near-death experience with a very thin tether to bring them back whole but different they got here over decades a dumped inner dialogue abusive relationships and self esteems that were decimated the words I chose from our list were a shame rage and people that suck if I could literally leave something here and not take it back with me it would be those things growing up I was blocking a lot of stuff out but I was also doing that so I could have a relationship or somewhat of a relationship with my family and then after I talked to them about the abuse or mentioned it I was immediately blacklisted and excommunicated I just felt like all those years where I was blocking something out so I could have a relationship with them was it wasn't worth it at all the sooner I can get rid of all this Harper guilt and shame and or whatever you want to call it the day now as we sit here in front of our corpse of our negative internal dialog we want to say a few final words we're gathered here today to release you to the universe to never come back in our lives again by them handing me their symbol after they drink ayahuasca they've been blessed by Sage and rattle that symbol of pain negativity loathing hatred shame we gave it to the universe to never return I really did do what Steve asked and focus the pain of the sexual assault I felt like I could kind of put that a little bit more to rest than it was at least [Music] it's hard when someone's not willing to see you the way you want to be seen you can fill it with things like shame because you feel fairy unwanted [Music] tonight the ceremony we did with the suggests the burning of the corpse the effigy all that combined was about them identifying and becoming aware of what has to really bend their challenges in life what has held them back so net mental terrain is firmly seated with what they need to move forward I'm trying to breathe I think I'm like breathing a little too fast which is making it worse please sit up I just yeah kind of straighten up a little bit I started feeling the nausea and the sort of start to sweat a little bit type deal then I got nervous and ended up you know vomiting and stuff but if there's a good puke it was a good puke if that makes any sense I felt lighter when I walked away music halves a huge influence on your journey you will go with the songs what it's telling you open your heart heal it and I allow you to press us way more stuff to your subconscious mind the second night with Taylor the medicine took him straight to bed Taylor came because he had been abused as a small child but he has to shift gears from his inner child that shut everything out because that was safer than letting anything in I really do feel his breakthrough is coming the question will be can Taylor process this rush of pain when it's finally released I just kind of fell into my head and that's when I started letting ayahuasca take effect I was a toddler I was small and I was running through a house I saw white walls I saw white molding and hardwood floors I had to find hiding places around the house where I couldn't really be accessed that easy I was just rounding corners and I mean maybe it was something that happened to me a long time ago but it was it was vivid enough to where it it was definitely coming from some kind of Bank in my mind parts my childhood abuse did come up and that's when I started having physical feelings of anxiety I was trying to put it all down inside and then it turned into vomit I think it was a lot of fear and anxiety that was coming up to the surface for me just things that I've hung on to you for so long it was making me sad and I felt like I was throwing up stuff that was making me really unhealthy just like rage that I just held my gut yeah I just let you know I'm out here with a fresh bucket in a paper towel please I wouldn't like a fresh bucket are you decent yeah a little bit okay it sounded like you were getting a pretty rough in here trying to sound like somebody was trying to come up it's fine with Taylor you could really tell that this was something very crucial he was releasing the emotions built up because there was a lot of things that he's been through [Music] with Jules you could tell that after she drink that first cup mother and her tentacles were already starting to work through but I also knew Jules was going to have to take a very very courageous and brave step and we share a lot of similarities we really do yeah because we know what it is to feel like an outcast I'm a convicted felon right Terri's a convicted felon we know what it is and to have a secret that we can't share openly you know we know what it is to feel shame it's something I've struggled with for a long time now do you and your mother still interact er oui oui it's very limited she wanted to cuddle it's call contact after she learned about my gender transition and I didn't feel like I'd ever be acceptable at that point I had tried to cut on my wrists in the bathtub thankfully a close friend of mine intervened thankfully yes he was bursting down a door to get you to get to me that tells me somebody loved you yeah and I've had a lot of support since coming out I've got a daughter man ruined Wow how does that feel it's beautiful she's amazing now we've kind of set something up outside and I'd like you to trust us for a little longer do you trust us now try to escape we're good thank you because we got your best interests at heart under ayahuasca our subconscious is wide open and raw as a modern shaman it's important that we plow the road of their mind while mother a courses through their veins I have created an arena of reflection for Jewel's it's made up of mirrors and lights everywhere she looks she will see herself in beautiful feminine form and remember what I told you if it gets too intense I want you to close your eyes for a little bit kind of take a breath in fact right now kind of look around I want you to get comfortable in your surroundings get comfortable with you from every angle you're a beautiful woman you should take that in I want you to think about what is your best attribute look at that person in that mirror right now and I want you to have that mental conversation I want you to laugh with her and I want you to fully embrace her because she's been through a lot of and she has taken a lot of and five years ago she was ready to end all that and that person sitting in that chair would not have been here would not have held her daughter would not have been the role model and look that's how you're feeling now looking at yourself you're laughing you're fully aware and engaged and smiling and you're doing this all in front of strangers you're not withdrawn you're reaching out and all this is wonderful and all this is really causing you to move forward from this day forth all that other crap was burned on that corpse that we set fire to in your sad joke that was all yours and no one else's that you chose to let go Shane you chose to let go social withdrawal and what was the third thing you chose to let go I'm not allowing myself to you know fully love myself are you closer to fully loving yourself now do you really see your worth I think so yes and how could you ever kill that and deprive the world of that gift you can't and that's why your daughter loves you and you are her goddess well how we feeling right now because this is mrs.

intense feeling a lot of peace my heart was really full of joy for I knew right there we just watched a very intense breakthrough this arena of love this arena of self respect in this arena of courage and you were dead set in the middle of it all that's a beautiful way to start a journey I started meditating on things like you know how how can I make this world a better place and I saw what I felt like the future humanity might look like and perhaps journeying out into the stars and creating something much larger than ourselves and the vision sort of started it was sort of as if I had become a goddess I saw a beautiful woman who was going through so much and who has faced you know a lifetime of soul-searching only to arrive at this moment and I felt very complete [Music] I feel like what's my depression anxiety like I don't want you someone to fix it I'm not asking for a savior I'm asking for somebody put their arm around me and tell me it's gonna be okay I'm never gonna accept anything less than that again hi I'm so proud of you so great what she did last night I feel amazing today yeah last night was an experience to say the least I feel like I'm going I don't know how to describe that yeah I could do anything mother a it puts you all back together a little bit a lot of pet I'd say you look like a completely different person today than the one that walked in it strange I feel like the same person but I feel so much lighter so much more connected today I feel very content myself and I feel very complete like I don't need that validation of others or anything Jules was radiant today and I'm talking to energy that was coming from her was nothing but pure self-acceptance for the first time in a long time that's mother eya at her best it doesn't always take ayahuasca but it always takes mother and I am very proud of each and every one of you here it took great bravery and courage for each of you to go through the ordeals that we have put you through as you re entering the world I want you to remember you're leaving here as different individuals as you walked in but the world has not changed and the little puddles of poo that you left at home or wherever you came from is still for you when you get back but hopefully through this you've gained a different perspective and will choose a different reaction when confronted with your old way of life thank you so much I would do ayahuasca again this is pretty good I feel taken care of right now that's it that's all I can't do anyway it's too many emotions thank you guys be safe all right you guys – thank you leaving aya quest I just feel like empowered I feel like a badass I don't know you know feels good [Music] when I came to Iook West I was feeling very depressed feeling burdened mum the lives of the people around me and feeling like I weighed people down but you know setting out I feel like I'm more complete and I'd like to say to the you know trans gender non-binary and queer community that things can get better and that they will there are people out there who will love you and that you are enough that you are amazing just the way you are I have the most beautiful blessed peaceful existence that any human being much less retired bank robber convict thief could ever hope to be and I hope anybody who sees this thinks this world is unfair when a piece of like me can enjoy the existence that I do now and I hope it makes you get the off the couch and do something [Music] I have a more positive outlook on life I feel like I know myself better I feel like I have more of a personality [Music] [Music] [Music] [Music] I'm doing quite well it's been a very good summer for me I don't know it's an exciting time you.

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